i kinda wish i actually had a reader that followed my story... but i highly doubt that'll happen.. kinda sad actually; that i'm writing all this for myself. i'm the only one that'll read it and i'm actually the one that wrote it, and i should know all about what i've written.

tonight was great though. talked with a few amazing friends all night. it was a different kind of girls' night. philisophical, in depth discussions about everything..
i need to make a list. of everything i Need in life
and to find someone that will compliment those things on my list. compliment the essence of me.

i also need to go into therapy. for my many issues. to figure myself out.



is it bad when you really don't want to talk to the girl who used to be your best friend?

or is it just growing away from who you were and who she still is?
because... she's stuck. in weyburn. in who she was. in who she is. and she wants a friendship back, that she destroyed and i refuse to help rebuild.
i honestly don't have the time to rebuild it and work on it. and i don't really want to be great friends with her anymore. i don't know if i can be.
i'm a different person.
a totally different person.

with goals and thoughts and mindsets. i'm independent. i'm self-sufficient.

and i don't Need anyone. not ryan, not her, not my parents, not my sister.
well.... to some extent i definitely do need my sis and my parents, because they'll always be there :D
but i don't need anyone but myself to be complete. to be me.
i love having the people around me that i do now. i don't depend on them. i don't chase after them. i don't lap-dog them. no. and i never will again.

i can't be those things for shanel anymore.
she needs to find something new for herself. someone new. a new world. a new life. new friends. new companions. she needs mtb. she needs to be her own self. which she is. but i think she feels the loss of me.
but that's okay. she did the same thing to me.


now, cassie. i love that girl to death. definitely bdd and ocd. noticed she has a little driving tick(tapping the dash to the right of the steering wheel). very interesting to know that it's not just in her vehicle. dunno why... hmm... oh well.. and i'll never point out any of her habits or ticks or possible bdd-ing to her without her first acknowledging it. because she takes offence and denies it. i would do. i have done that when it comes to my depression.

*sigh*
mmkay. time to sleep.
must wake up, pay rent, pay tuition, find objects, go to class, and work. fun day... yeah... riiiight..
heh.

oh yes, forgot to mention. ryan sadly attempted to.. umm... 'get' me again. as he always used to. invited me on webcam. i was like.. uhh. no.
then i casually meantioned that i was dating someone. and that he was incredibly hot.
*nod* good move on my part, i'd say.

sure hope it works out with this boy. but i do need to get to know him better. no 20 questions though. that seems too much like checking a checklist as to whether or not we're good together in the long run. right now, we're workin on the short run.
although, i really should hold back on the sex. for a while, at least...

the absence of-and the tension that that can create-can be just as amazing and passion-invoking as the act itself.

anywho. sleep time.