haven't written in here for a little while.
basically because my normal laptop is now broken. and on its way to wherever the heck they sent it to. and i've been working on a super-snailpace old-school laptop that even my parents rarely use. so, it takes approx 8 minutes(usually more) to bot up. at least 5 minutes for it to sign me into msn. and the "o" key is gone. just a little stubby rubbery thinger to press down. same with the "8" key

as for a mouse, i'll say that i'm very very happy i'd bought a mouse for my other laptop. this thing only has a little button thingy above the "B" key that you press on and shift pressure with to move the mouse on the screen and two arched buttons(no idea what they do) above one large arched button an inch above the smaller arched button. the long one to click, the other to right-click. not to mention that useing these buttons and the little mouse thinger makes my hand cramp up incredibly. especially when playing solitare. which i've been doing a lot of, seeing as it loads faster than anything else.

anyways.

dan and i have had conversations about pregnancy and abortion before, and we had another a few nights ago. he is for it. especially if he was involved with the pregnancy. i am against it. for myself. so.. i was afraid this would create a huge rift between us. the other night, after we'd both had some time to think about it, he told me that he didn't think we should have sex anymore.
i can't go on birth control. makes me way too emotional. he said he wouldn't ask me to.
condoms break.
and i've had to take the plan b pill already.

there aren't many other alternatives. and the thought of pregnancy induces nightmares in him.
so....
yeah...

I was like...... wha....?
so confused
i didn't know where that put us. i didn't understand what that meant. i haven't had a relationship that did not include sex for a long time.
i understand now, but then i didn't. actually, even now, i'm wondering how this will go.
it's very odd... and it's going to be hard to do...
or rather, hard not to do.......
but i won't let it happen. and this seems like it could help us build a more friendship-based relationship. the kind that i know can last. the kind that i'll want to last.
and then, when the time is right...

but not untill then...


he knows how to love me without being told
he knows when i'm crying from the first silent, sobbing moment

and he won't let me just shrug it off and say it's nothing.

he doesn't know how to handle my tears, sadness, or anxiety, but he's there for me. and he tries.

he said to me, the other night...

"You know you can tell me anything, right?"


and now i do know.
or at least, i can tell him anything that is bothering me, makeing me sad, etc.

but i can't tell him that i love him yet.
that is going to take a while to be able to do.
and i also can't tell him that i wanna have his babies. or that i wanna be with him and only him forever.

but basically anything else i can.

lol

didn't get to go to the gallery we'd wanted to today. he had class when i was home and i was at work when he was home and it was still open.

oh well. tis life.

time to go eat some'n, put my clothes to dry, put in mre to wash, do some cleanin, makeup, hair, then go over to his place to finish watching tenatious d. then out to the bar.

cassie hasn't contacted me at all about tonight.. *shrug* whatev. i've made other plans.

then, i sleeeeeep! i love sleep...
and then i wake up whenever and make bacon and eggs and have milk/orage juice and then do stuff and relax for the rest of the day.
yay.


:)