convo

wow, i have the most interesting, intriguing, and intellectual conversations with Paul....

We were talking about art and genious and such...

i said something that just... was like an epiphany...

the goal of the artist is to show the beauty(and meaning) within things that people don't typically see or just pass by unnoticed...
especially imperfection. imperfection can be beauty in itself. one must love and embrace imperfection for it to work for you and for you to be happy with it and explore it's glorious gorgeousness.

i was going to say something to him about the beauty in him that not everyone sees... but i don't know that it would have been my place.. plus, it wouldn't have fit into the conversation quite right..

i think i'm going back tomorrow night... i'll follow carolyn.. and... come home... to relax.. and to unwind.. and.... have time to organize everything there.. get my computer set up and ready to go. clothing washed and hung up... etc, etc.

but now, time to sleep... with a big empty bed.... that paul would fill if it weren't so far away and wouldn't be such an awkward first meeting of the parents...
but another reason i wanna go back early is cause... well... i want to be with paul before this week happens....

feel the emotional connection... the tenderness within his arms, in my arms around him....

he's not the most attractive man, but i love his soft beard... his longer hair... he's so tender... yet blunt. so forward, yet shy.. he hides so much of himself, yet has been revealing a lot.. i think he was feeling guilty about the religiousity and sex before marriage thing, but then... he discovered it was... accepted among the younger generation in his church....

i don't want to settle down, but... i don't want to be alone.. i haven't been alone for long. well... emotionally, i have.. but i'm more mature... a better person for it..

i could love paul.. easily. but, it'll be slow, and i have patience now to wait it out... he's not gunna get away with letting it happen... i'm gunna make sure... that is, if he wants that.

and maybe he does.
or maybe he doesn't.

but i told him, that if he starts wanting more, or developing feelings for me, that he should let me know... and i can be prepared... to let him in.. but.... he won't tell me. no guy would... he might not even realize it.. but intellectually, we do agree on some issues... emotionally, our connection is unbelievable and undeniable.. sexually... given the right time.. mmm! amazing!(i think it's because of the emotion..) we're bonding better now than we ever did. i'm a different person though.. i'd never gone through brendon... or daniel, or richard, or corey... and they've all taught me so much... brendon.. hurt so much too. i learned to stand up for myself tho. and i learned i deserved better than that. and i learned that i shouldn't open up to someone quite that quickly. oh yeah, and he reinforced my rules to never dating guys not yet graduated from high school. But he was important cause he knocked me outa the mormon daze i was in.

daniel - gorgeous guy... just... not right for me. too bad though, he was hot.. but didn't have a lot of things figured out and wasn't too open about discussing them...

richard - uh.... too early to tell i guess... don't do a threesome when you've just started dating. never date a guy you think's an ass from the first while.. sex must be good. hahaha. it wasn't with him. horrible... horrible.

corey - abuse. shit. put up with. did stuff said never would again. he made me. guilt trips. learned that I am NOT lucky to be with a guy. He's lucky to be with me. And if he thinks he knows me from one day of being with me, he's wrong. I am who I am. Period. All the time. I Will NEVER do that again. If i want my hair shorter, I will cut it shorter. I Deserve Better Than To Be Told Who I Am And What To Do. also reinforced the not intro to parents for a while thing. and, never put up with a guy flirting with a best friend or wanting to get with a best friend. or even considder a threesome. won't happen. ever. don't let him try to convince you otherwise.
he was an idiot. and an asshole.
went after alisha the day after it was over with me. said he broke up with me. not true. i said i was cuttin my hair, next minute he said he thought we were 'too different'. then a few days later(after being rejected by everyone else), he comes to me, wantin me back, sayin he misses me, shit like that. Makin it seem like I'D be the Lucky one if he TOOK me back. He'd PUT UP WITH my fauxhawk. apparently. FUCK NO. idiot. asshole.

ok, so, i'm not over him. That just proved it. I'm also not over the Brendon thing either... the anger still seeths a little.. that they both could just start ignoring me, my feelings and such... b just pretended he was cleaning his room for a fucking week straight. c just paid attention to alisha and not me.
and ignored my seething anger saying i've gotta accept it as part of his nature to flirt and banter with alisha. part of 'who he is'. no. fuck no. ass. hole.

annnnnyways.... also learned i can't date kozzy cause he believes too strongly in his anti-gay stance..
can't date a guy who openly and outwardly puts down gay people even when they know my stance on the subject.
religion? i don't know anymore
Politice - i never cared about
sex? gotta be good. can be in different ways.. but good is important
attraction? i've gotta like him. but.. it depends on the guy... love the rough tenderness with paul... though we could almost squeeze eachother to death sometimes... and his having to have his blankets just right... adorable. lol as well as his frustration at mechanics not working.. hehe.
i like him a different way now tho... like him for him, not just the idea of another besides cody. not just another guy who should be romantic..
no, romance is more than flowers and dinners and candlelight. although i do love candlelight... it's... having someone there to hold you.. not feeling alone in bed... kept warm by body heat..

kisses stolen at random times... kisses of so much affection and caring on the forehead..
the forehead or cheek... not something you'd do to a random.. only someone you were starting to care about... Derek kissed me on the forehead last night... we made out.. it was so Awkward at first though... too awkward.. i don't think... no, i don't think it would work.. and i doubt it'd be a good idea for me to see him again.. i think it's almost time for me to go back. after working on my sculpture a Lot tomorrow..

but paul.... has opened up to me.. a lot it seems.. that or i'm just paying more attention.. not caught up in infatuation with romance, self-disclosure, and 'happiness'.. Reality check.. they all seem the same after a while.. which one belongs to which name... looking through my cell i wasn't sure about a few...

they'll know when i've been taken up with someone.. and it won't be darley.. he's blonde and baldin already a little.. at 19.. i liked him till i saw his facebook pics.. and... no. i am shallow sometimes, but in the right ways.. paul is attractive to me.. just in a whole new light and new way. so intelligent. loves what he does with mechanical things.. he has a heart. he just can't give it to me. or anyone. it'd take a few years for that.. a very long term thing for that...
and right now, it's just a fling..

right now, it's conpanionship and sexuality.

i'm hopeing more, but i can't be sure... won't be sure for a while..

well, if he starts inviting me to social gatherings with him.... it'll be different.... if we start holding hands randomly, it'll be different... if he opens up more, it'll be different...

but i wonder if those differences of ours will turn up eventually or not.... i wonder...... but for now, i just don't know...

i do know that I want him in my bed with me tonight.. not just anyone.. him. not darley, not corey(god no), not derek, not even maurice(talk about awkward at first. lol, he just appears in my bed with me.... hahaha).... paul... Paul V D E.... but.... as he said, awkward first meeting the parents... umm.. hi, mr and mrs klemmer... lol time for me to run now. they wouldn't kill him, but i'd rather be dead than answer their questions... and a major one would be, you didn't tell us you were having a guy over. you shouldn't be doing That in this house. and something about clothes on maybe... well, that'd be connected to doing That. and.... you don't need this complication in your life right now.

all of which i know and understand


but.... so lonely in that bed.. big as mine... not as comfortable tho...
but with him there.... it'd be full.. i'd feel fuller...
*sigh*

i am whole as i am.. alone, but, i'd rather not feel so alone.

one must love someone not for who one thinks they are, but for who they really are, and how they will be in the future. people change, grow, learn. they aren't someone new or different, they just know different things... one must also be happy and be able to be themselves with someone..

i could fart in front of paul by the end... hehe. without worrying. we'd just laugh a little.

i'm much more mature now though... I can carry my own in intellectual discussions. I'm not afraid of voicing what I think should be voiced. I'm a strong woman. And I know when a guy's just not that into me, as he was last time. I won't stand for that, either... especially if we're together..
but we're not. and still i let him talk to me first. i make it a point to go offline and online again. let people know i'm there again... a bit obvious, but so's if he talks to me or not... and he has, the last two times. after i told him not to be a stranger.. lol

i smile when i think of him... a fondnesss i don't feel with just anyone... when i think of daniel, i think of awkwardness... brendon, scorn, betrayal, and... another.... corey is deception and manipulation. richard, forceful, unattractive, arse.
derek - touched my face with such gentleness, such grace... so much caring... as if he'd never had a woman react quite like that to his touch...
tenderness. that's the word with derek. and awkward unsureness. now, surity and sexuality are the overtones in the derek i see now... although he did kiss my forehead once last night...
he's just... not for me, i don't think. although, his pickiness maybe would have allowed me in... i'll have to let him down...

as i'm letting darley down.... and he notices and knows it.. he's the type that would. despirate almost... but, understanding about it.. i think... i may be out of his league.. but i won't be sure until i meet him or see more pics of him...

but, yeah, time for bed has come and gone and now i must go or i risk not waking for my stupid app. tomorrow afternoon...

ugh.



once again... thinking of paul.....

*sigh*