frick.

Frick, not again... why does this keep happening? what am i doing wrong? what the hell am i doing so wrong that makes things not work with men? with boys?

FUCK.

"Hey can we talk?"

"Oh i know this is unexpected but i have been thinking about us and i do not know what i want anymore"

"Well your a really great girl but I do not think that we are right for eachother. I would like to keep your friendship"

and why?

"Well i might be moving so that would not be fair to you plus i am not financially stable right now plus lawyers involving my child so you might not think so but i think this is best"


you want to come over for a bit?
Krista says (10:42 PM):
i don't really wanna go anywhere right now... i just want it to go away and never have actually happened.
Alish says (10:43 PM):
awe, why so?
Krista says (10:43 PM):
cause i was starting to actually care about him. and to trust him. and... just... frick!
Krista says (10:43 PM):
now it's like, all gone away. waisted
Krista says (10:43 PM):
it'd be better if it'd never happened


Frick, it'd be so much better if it'd all never actually happened! It's hurting so much right now and i can't believe i invested so much in a guy so quickly. i hate it! and i hate myself for it! god, why can't i just learn not to do this!! FUCK

i mean, i'll learn to admit that it's good it happened, cause i did learn that some guys Can be trusted. i learned that there're guys who're out there who're not all about sex. i learned that there're sweet guys, who care and love and.... But I want this one. cause i had him... now i don't..

i guess it could be better in the long run this way... but, i just... it hurts. and i don't want to admit that... i don't wanna admit that a caring guy is actually doing something more to care for me than anything else. it hurts way too damn much.....
and i hate it.

and i want a hug, so bad... but i don't wanna go anywhere.. cause... i just don't wanna go to alisha's.. and that's the only place To go right now.. but she won't give me a hug... and I don't want her to see me like this.. i hate this..and right now. i hate life....

I just wanna scream at the top of my lungs, yell and shout and cry and cry and cry until i have no more tears to shed... Get this all out of my system.. kill it. kill it gone. kill it away. kill it dead.
murder this feeling, tear it to shreads, kill it, vanish it, murder it, destroy it, so that i never have to feel it again...

I just never wanna feel this again..... oh god, more than anything, i just never wanna feel this again.....
it's destroying me.. and i don't think i can live through it again...

but... this time... i will...
and i'll eat lotsa chocolate tonight and tomorrow
doin it. *nod*


or just talking to people.. then getting to bed too late for my own good...
ugh.





k, so, 's what i wrote for my spaces blog.. preferr not to add more. other than asshole idiot punk freaking annoying men/boys/guys can all go to hell.

and i wanted sex with him....
damnit!
almost wish i had...
but then alisha'd be able to say 'i told you so' which woulda been bullshit assholeness from a best friend as well as an stupid boy.


umm.. so, yeah, i'm jaded.
yeah i'm spiteful
yeah i'm angry
i get it.
i hate it.
whatever.