I'm bad
I'm horrible

Firstly,
I'm not done my philosophy essay which was due yesterday(tuesday), and supposed to be sent sometime today(wednesday)
Secondly,
I just finished my drawing project after spending the evening having fun(due for critique in 6 hours)
Thirdly,
when i was kissing alex last night, i was thinking about ben. no one wants that to be true. but i've realized it is.
when i came home from the night with alex and alisha i was Not craving chocolate or sex for the first time in a long while. meaning: i was essentially turned off by kissing him.
i want to fuck ben
i want him to be my birthday sex. i might just ask him if he will be that for me. perhaps i'll go out saturday night and go to his place afterwards... hmm.... that might work... or i'll go to his place sunday night and spend the night... hmmm.... one or the other.. *shrug* lol.

but, yeah...
heh.
i'm his.
must pretend that i'm not though.
must still hold on to alex a little bit... just a little... unless he drops me.

as mike said, if i'm not dating or doing him, he has no claim on me.
if i was thinking about the one while with the other, what does that mean?
and... apparently, he must be with another girl or have another girl or something...

his 'friend' did get into an accident.. i guess she was okay, buuut, he 'didn't want to talk about it' and it wasn't anything about me or anything. seemed pretty down despite saying he was doing pretty good.... doesnt' want to open up to me about it though.... and he didn't say to me that he was having a bad day... in fact, i brought it up.... *sigh* whatev.


anyways.
must still act a little disinterested in ben though.
must remember that i Don't know what love is.
So I Can't tell ben i love him. and i can't use <3. and only use pet names when he's used them.
*nod*


but, my god.... i want to be his. i want it so bad. but i don't want the complications. the distance.
i said to mike that he would complicate things soo much b/c of his mpd and everything, but that i had depression. i think mike said that any guy'd complicate things.. that's actually when i mentioned i was thinking bout ben when with alex...

hmm


i dunno.
i just.....

more than anything, I want to feel loved.

It's not really a craving for sex, but one for love, caring, affection... That's, I think, where i've been looking for love... What I think love is... I... I know there is a connection, but.. not quite that much of one..

i can't... umm.. i just can't place it.

but i want to spend a night with benjamin. i really do. to be in his arms. held close, warm, safe.

because i know, with him, in his wonderful arms, i would be safe, warm, cared for.... maybe even loved.


more than anything else....


i just want to feel loved.

despirately.
as if nothing else mattered.
nothing could stop him from loving me.
and he'd give anything for me,
to be with me.





in his arms, late at night, tonight, every night.


I wish......