i need sex
i need to concentrate
i need rest
i need sleep
i need health
i need a good diet
i need to do my sketchbooks
i need to do this essay
i need to read this selection
i need to stop procrastinating
i need to figure out how to make my mind shut up and focus!!!

more like

i want sex
i need to concentrate, rest sleep, get healthy, eat well, do this essay
i really want to do my sketchbook and art project instead of this essay.
i need to do my sketchbooks as well though...


FUCK. i hate this. i can't do it. just.... can't. seems like i can only do what other people can walk me through...
unless it is art. or something to do with art..
then it's just fucking easy.

only think that could keep me reeeaaaally awake right now would be sex. cause that's top on the list of things i wish i could do right now. well, most realistically do i suppose. cause i'd much rather move to italy and study art there..
that would be amazing
just pick up and move to italy for a few years..... *sigh*


or... just drive to weyburn, walk into ben's place, wake him up, and have a warm, sensual, comfy, relaxing night. Someone to cuddle with and be touching a little as i sleep.. someone i trust and love laying beside me.... or just on top of me for part of the night... hehe. but the beside me, touching, sleeping thing would be so much better than anything in the world right now...

to be in his arms. safe and warm. to feel loved...
despite us being unable to lable it as love
besides us not being in a relationship.
i do love him.
i love him so much.
and i don't want to hurt him... like if i decided to be with alex, or alex asked me out... that Would hurt him.... it would distance us... he would feel more lonely.. and.. and... i don't want to do that to him... not again, like when i started seeing brendon... and then i didn't even know for sure if ben liked me or not...

i want to be with ben so much, but i don't want to be long distance. i don't want to have to worry about traveling to see my bf... i have so much else to worry about... and i could readily have a bf here in regina. same city. soon.. but i know ben so much better...

i also don't want to hurt alex. i've hurt him once before already. when i snubbed him after ryan started showing a little bit of interest in me again.. and then alisha poked some sense into me. and ryan stopped showing interest. but the damage had been done. less than 2 days, i think, of me just being a little inattentive, and he's hurt and guarded. now it's back to normal. but, while he was guarded, i started the textsex with ben... and then alex is back, and i still have ben, and i'm leading them both on. they both know i'm wanting sex. craving sex. they both want to sate that craving and give it to me. just the way i want it, too. they both know i haven't had good, rough, hard sex in a long while. and they're willing to give it to me. and, fuck, that makes it all worse. cause, i can't choose.

alisha says, stick with alex. ben's not it. he's far away, still in high school, etc.
alex, he's here, older, likes me, etc.

but, i barely know alex yet... i've met him once. been on one date with him. he's already getting serious about me. could tell by his reaction to the ryan thing. and he said that every time he starts getting serious about a girl... blah blah blah... and i doubt i'd get a second chance if he found out i did another guy while leading him on. but, the problem with that is, he hasn't claimed me as his. he hasn't asked me to be serious with him. he does know i've turned down a couple of guys because of my interest in him(though, it was more disinterest in them). i do like him a lot. i don't want to hurt him again. and if i fuck up this time, i'm screwed. We've yet to kiss..

i know ben so well, though. he's one of my closest friends besides care and alisha(and cassie, when we actually have time to talk). We have kissed. his kisses so far have been so gentle.... mm.. and he always smells so good.... He's good at talking dirty, turning me on, even from an hour away.. he'd do anything for the girl he's with... when he loves, he loves through and through. and i can talk to him about anything. well, not other guys, but that's alright. i have my girl friends for that. and i already know i love him as a friend. Not a far leap to love him as more than just that. so i say i heart you. and he says it back. he calls me darling. i say m'dear. we miss eachother a lot. we wish we lived in the same city.. especially during our late-night texting... he'll be moving here in june. after school is done. wishes he could be here now though, a lot of the time. so, i know that in june, he would be with me. we Could be together. We both know that. not sure if it'll actually happen before then and sorta be for sure/official then or not.....

but, he has mpd. his way of dealing with stresses and such is allowing 'others' to take over temporarily. he might even be inventing certain things(according to shanel) such as axxonn, etc. he's depressed, doesnt' have the greatest home life. in fact, doesn't even live 'at home'. he's not done high school, but he'd be the only acceptable exception to my rule against dating someone not done high school.. there are so many reasons not to date him, but the main one is a promise i made and i don't know if i can keep it...

i promised my dad/mom that i would never date ben. he's 'too much'. i don't need complications and he would definitely add to those. he has problems controling his anger... and i know i've said, i won't. i won't. i won't. but.... i want to.... i want him. i want us.

i want to experience having a boyfriend i can actually talk to again. a guy i can tell anything to. a guy who thinks the world of me. loves me more than life itself(but not literally). i want romance, understanding, talking, living, being. i want conversation. random. i want.... personality. life, dreams. and ambition. alex has ambition. ben does too. cody did not. or, rather, didn't act on it.



i just...
i want what i had once,
just without the abuse, guilt, pain.

trust. safety. happiness.
relaxation. comfort. health
good. rough. sex.

cause i've had 'making love' with men who never claimed to love me... and, it's good, but... i just haven't had it the other way in a long time... a very long time.....


ok, so. spent the last 45 minutes writing this instead of my paper or doing my sketchbooks. i'll take the 10% for one day late for the paper and do my sketchbooks now.
then sleep.
then hand in my sketchbooks to the office tomorrow before i go to my philosophy class.
sounds like a plan. i need the sleep.
and i don't even have to go to psych if i don't want! but i will. it's a review, and reviews for exams are important. *nod*


fuck. now to actually get off my ass and do those things...
ugh.


(i just feel like giving up. but i can't. and won't. eff)