boys are assholes. i hate them.
talking to 3... er... 2. the bf went offline without saying bye.. ugh

i dunno if it's working
dunno if i've been psyching myself out or not. he hasn't opened up in a long time. yet he's pushing away, backing away...

i'm with an asshole and i know it.
even if i Can't come see him, he wants me to. CAN'T being key there.

i can't see it changing either. he wants me. all the time. with him. constantly. or he's lonely. yet he's resolved himself to loneliness. but he still wants me. ugh! talk about a cycle!
i mean, what is this? he wants me. then makes me feel guilty about not being there. or tries that. but i don't bite the guilt bated lure. won't. can't.

and i'm getting sick of it.
he's finding excuses for us not to work. and then he says he's not running. he's pushing that it won't work late in the future. and the only reason that's pushing me is because he's pointed it out! a self fulfilling prophecy.

yes, i'm freaking out. Completely Freaking Out.

cause i can't do it. i just can't. i need to figure out myself before i can be with someone else. or rather, i need to figure out myself before i can figure out who i need to be with.


"
you've gotta figure yourself out first and then fingure out who's the right typer of person for you

"

--Paul

i heart him for being there durring my slight freaking out mental breakdowns.

i think i need to take things slower.

slow pace.

relax.

date.

simple.

nothing big. get to know the person, see if we're compatible, and all that jazz..

then maybe make it official. after a while of courting. but get to know him first. that's the most important part. before i'm stuck with him. before comitment.

i'm thinking i might ask cory out to coffee or for a drink. maybe.

i think i'll be single after tomorrow.... my freakout has calmed with my near resolution to end it with the richard...

i'm looking for something that's slow, but that might last. if it doesn't, it's alright. i'll know him more before it does even completely start. no need for the no sleeping over rule, because i won't even kiss until i'm sure.. no need to spend the night anywhere, cause i won't need to.

i need myself right now. to be alone. not stress. nothing like that. and if i'm horny, i might do a booty call of one of my currents... who knows.

but i've gotta learn control. of myself. my emotions. who i am. what i need.

force to concentrate. do well. be myself. try to be happy. relax. know what i am feeling..

i've asked cory if he'd like to get coffee or something with me sometime. he said sure. surprise surprise. he's taking a lil bit to type something else..

"
i work a lot of nights, so it might seem like i am avoiding doing it
Cory says (11:52 PM):
but i cant get up for the morning shift :P

"

hehe!

he does wanna go for coffee with me!!! :D:D:D:D!

and the convo continues. hehe.

i liked cory before. i think i like him again. already. and i'm nto even single. i suppose last night brought this on.

Dana. Hottie. Cutie. The works. From s'toon tho. and had a gf. wanted to go with me somewhere. just him and me..... he was drunk tho. and wouldn't take my number. and wouldn't give me his. so, i ended up leaving. after getting a nice big hug. won't ever see him again probably. unless somehow randomly i do. which would be fate and nothing less. because i've tried to find him on facebook. didn't work.

whatev.

cory actually said he was gone tonight. wow. different than before. hmm.. maybe he's considerring. who knows. that'd be good if he were.

he has said that he'd need to get to know me. i don't think he wanted a fling with me. perhaps he wasn't that attracted to me quite yet.. he's very perceptive.. and quiet. he knows i sorta liked him. but i was looking for something instant. now.(at that moment) y'know? so we just sorta awkwardly gave up..

but he knows i freak out. i stress out. i give up on stupid schoolwork when i'm broken down.

i don't give up completely though. and i pull through.

i'm pulling through now.. knowing i've gotta slow it down. get to know someone. how they behave, think, etc.

that's where i'm going wrong. taking it quickly. speedy gonzales. sex sex! immediate comitment. sorta. seriousness! very.

and i'm not gunna fall for someone i hardly know. just gunna get to know him.

and i know i'm going to hurt richard... with this... but, what must be done, must be done... can't change that... or the past.. his behaviour does sorta doom him a little. he's like a girl on the inside.. clingy... needy... and i can't handle being the other with that.

i need to figure out me.

i do.

dana was damn hot, cute, and funny though. and he thought i was Hoooot! hehe!

also, eye sexin with a latino guy and a bit with a black dude. just never approached me..

and a couplea semi-cute guys did ask me to dance, but i turned them down... felt bad, but oh well.

should feel worse about richard. and i will. but not now. now i take tylenol and sleep. get rid of this headache and relax. think. take time.

just...

be.