What i posted on my other blog plus a little blurb after that i didn't want to post in such a place where people who actually know me can read....


Diagnostics
so, the one differnece wasn't it. it was everything and nothing.
i've been rueminating on it all and today in my psych class, i basically had an epiphany. we're on the subject of love.
There are different kinds or aspects to love that come in different ratios depending on the relationship. a few of em are passion, intimacy, and commitment..

I figured out that intimacy has been a major problem for a couple of my last relationships. as well as comitment. passioon has been no problem at all.

with brendon, there was a lot of intimacy and basically no comitment. or equity. that's another one. paul, no intimacy and no commitment.

the epiphny came in regards to dan.
passion - fine
similarity - apparently not so much.
we weren't very close emotionally at all
and i don't think he wanted anything serious...
i remember he claimed that his waiting to ask me out was based around the idea that he wasn't sure if he wanted a gf or not...


so, my diagnosis:
Definite comitment problems. Passion comes secondary in lasting relationships, i guess.... or tirshirarily(???)... *shrug*

anyways. that's my diagnosis. treatment? dry those tears, get smilin again. treat yourself to some chocolate, a little bit of alcohol, relaxation, bitch about him, forget about him, move on, find someone else to flirt with. and most of all, realize that you're still beautiful and amazing and that there are other men out there that won't let you crash after having you fall for them.
hopefully, anyways...


*sigh*
so, new prospects names: cory and Mikey. possibly a collin. not sure yet. actually don't think cory likes me that way... *shrug* could be wrng. mikey does tho....


so, yeah...

new adventures.
should be fun!

Added comments:
haven't met mikey yet... want to though. he's a bit of a prep/stoner type. or, rather, was. so that's pretty interesting. lol. doesn't mind the idea of handcuffs... or light bondage/blindfolds. he's 20. knows what he wants to do and is doing it. blue eyes. seems to have a decently nice body. lives here but a short jaunt away. with his parents, but still gets freedom. smoker. inspired me to start smokin a bit more... bad habit, but whatev. i know i can fight it if i want to.
anyways, back to the story of him. i dunno if i want to/can resist it with him....
god, i just want sex right now... to be laying in bed blissfully pleased would be perfect.. and cuddling. another warm body next to mine.... mmmm...

anyways, so, i guess with passion coming secondary or whatev, sex might not be so great...
*sigh*
but if it's ANYTHING like with paul or daniel.... MmmmmMhmmmmm!
that'd be good.
and if it's better! aaand there's the comitment etc. without abuse.

Ooh! Yay! hahahha
lol

aannnyways.
i kinda want a fling. so that's why i don't know if it would last with this mikey guy. cause i want sex. but apparently relationships tend not to work if sex happens too soon.
eff.
i'm screwed.

if i'm not attracted to him, then there's cory. i could maybe have a fling with him if he actually is into me.
but i think i'd be blunt with him. and have reasons as to why it would possibly be beneficial




omg! omg, no... not good. fuck. not good at all. i hate complications! fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck
damnit!

Ben
Likes
Me.
He did and he does.

FUCK!

god, please, why?

FDUUUCKCKKCKKJLES;/urtjfwi9;/fzajisdkzl;i"AR_+U(J



yeah, i'm skrewed.

so, mikey might be too shy to make a move.

ben likes me as i thought he might have.

the tension with cory is quite similar, so it might be real as well..

annd... and.... fuck.



oooohhh my....


okay. time to breathe.

nthing shall be decided anytime soon.
i will do nothing more than kiss benjamin. nothing more.
not until he graduates


that is the rule i learned from the guy that should have been ben himself

in place by cody. in stone by brendon.


*sigh*


so, my thing is sensing feelins between people, especially between others and i. might occasionally actually be my paranoia, but mostly it's not i'm thinking... example: ben did and does like me.

now i can't deny that to myself...

so perhaps cory does like me as well...
but he never made a move on me....
maybe he would if we were drunk or high...

i dunno about mike.. i guess i'll know when i meet him. apparently he's too shy to make a move. so no worries about public/privite behaviour.

i'm not taken, but i feel as if i can only be 'with' one guy. as in, not fuck one then start to date the other... or even fool around with the other and then mess with another and fuck the other other...

or even just have all them going at once.....



fuck.




"But i dunno, i didn't think there was anything between us but friends, sorry if i keep mentioning this"


hmm... he likes me yet...


*sigh* he knows that nothing can happen yet. so he's taking the worry away. or trying to.


i think his, 'i just let things happen' deal would stop short of sex with me. possibly of even kissing me.

because he knows i can't. and that's why i won't. he knows the reasons.. now, at least. why i didn't make any moves. why i tried to hide it.

he knows that i wish i could be that girl. make him less lonely.. i just can't. not yet. who knows about the future...
but...
yeah...


sleep time soon... time to get ready now at least...
*sigh*


i've got a lot of thinking to do....