*Travis* says (2:53 AM):
 
Krista says (2:54 AM):
 
*Travis* says (2:54 AM):
lol you're even cuter than me
*Travis* says (2:54 AM):
that's tough
Krista says (2:54 AM):
teehee
  
  *Travis* wants to have a Video Call.
Answer (Alt+C) Decline (Alt+D)
  
*Travis* says (2:55 AM):
I
*Travis* says (2:55 AM):
am only slightly inebriated
Krista says (2:55 AM):
gah!
  
  You have answered the call.
Hang up (Alt+Q).
  
*Travis* says (2:55 AM):
c'mon
*Travis* says (2:55 AM):
I wont remember neways  
Krista says (2:56 AM):
lol
*Travis* says (2:56 AM):
plus you're a hotty and a cutie
*Travis* says (2:56 AM):
what?
Krista says (2:56 AM):
hahhaa
*Travis* says (2:56 AM):
say again
Krista says (2:56 AM):
you did a vid calll
*Travis* says (2:56 AM):
heloooooo
Krista says (2:56 AM):
sillyyy
*Travis* says (2:56 AM):
I know :
*Travis* says (2:56 AM):
 
Krista says (2:56 AM):
and you'r enot talking
Krista says (2:56 AM):
again, silly
*Travis* says (2:56 AM):
it was easier than clicking two buttons
*Travis* says (2:56 AM):
and of course not
*Travis* says (2:56 AM):
i'm not sure i wont slur
Krista says (2:56 AM):
sooo what
*Travis* says (2:56 AM):
i can type not talk
*Travis* says (2:56 AM):
so it's ebmarrasing!
Krista says (2:57 AM):
juuust me
Krista says (2:57 AM):
like it matters
*Travis* says (2:57 AM):
stop laughing at me
*Travis* says (2:57 AM):
you still want me
*Travis* says (2:57 AM):
 
*Travis* says (2:57 AM):
  I didnt think you did
Krista says (2:57 AM):
lol wellll....
Krista says (2:57 AM):
uh...
*Travis* says (2:57 AM):
lol not tonight
*Travis* says (2:58 AM):
I've had... a LOT of beer, 2 mojitos or w/e, and a shot of vodka cause it's yummy
Krista says (2:58 AM):
niiice
*Travis* says (2:58 AM):
I'm surpised how much noise you're making'
*Travis* says (2:58 AM):
but i have to conentrate to hear
*Travis* says (2:58 AM):
say again?
*Travis* says (2:58 AM):
ew
*Travis* says (2:58 AM):
I hate coconut
*Travis* says (2:58 AM):
i dont know cosmos
*Travis* says (2:59 AM):
i dont know martinis either
*Travis* says (2:59 AM):
beer, straight vodka, or straight tequila
*Travis* says (2:59 AM):
 
*Travis* says (2:59 AM):
Krista, omg
*Travis* says (2:59 AM):
 
*Travis* says (2:59 AM):
hotty
Krista says (2:59 AM):
whaaat?
Krista says (2:59 AM):
pshhh
*Travis* says (2:59 AM):
you're lucky I'm....
*Travis* says (2:59 AM):
always sexy?
Krista says (2:59 AM):
i have makeup on tongiht*
*Travis* says (3:00 AM):
I made yiou laugh woo
*Travis* says (3:00 AM):
but you're taken  
Krista says (3:00 AM):
rawr
Krista says (3:00 AM):
yeah..
*Travis* says (3:00 AM):
so i cant even tease in good conscience
Krista says (3:00 AM):
damn
Krista says (3:00 AM):
you'd love it if you could
*Travis* says (3:00 AM):
  you'd love it if i could
*Travis* says (3:00 AM):
you know i could just not in good conscience
Krista says (3:00 AM):
i'd love it if i could let you
*Travis* says (3:01 AM):
you're so tempting and i dunno why..  
Krista says (3:01 AM):
hummm... *shrug*
Krista says (3:01 AM):
but, yeah, this one's different, so i can't even say "so what" to the whole taken thing
*Travis* says (3:02 AM):
i know  
*Travis* says (3:02 AM):
i figure
*Travis* says (3:02 AM):
you wouldnt have if he wasn't more than "so what"
Krista says (3:02 AM):
*confused by wording*
*Travis* says (3:02 AM):
you wouldnt have went for him if he wasn't worth more than an "oh well" or a "so what"
*Travis* says (3:03 AM):
i might be tempting, but that's all I am
*Travis* says (3:03 AM):
iunno y
Krista says (3:03 AM):
that's not all you are. You made that decision to be only tempting....... 
*Travis* says (3:03 AM):
you look like you're sad
Krista says (3:03 AM):
well, it wasn't up to me, remember
*Travis* says (3:04 AM):
  Regina is far...
*Travis* says (3:04 AM):
and...
Krista says (3:04 AM):
i know
*Travis* says (3:04 AM):
there are other things i havent gotten past yet
Krista says (3:04 AM):
i know
*Travis* says (3:04 AM):
i h8 it
*Travis* says (3:04 AM):
i feel close
*Travis* says (3:04 AM):
yet far
Krista says (3:04 AM):
*sigh* yeah..
Krista says (3:04 AM):
it Can be done. and it Can be worked out. but, yeah, i understand
Krista says (3:04 AM):
now you look a bit saddened
*Travis* says (3:04 AM):
it just takes time
*Travis* says (3:05 AM):
i think she's been my fallback for so long that i dont know how to stop it
*Travis* says (3:05 AM):
i am sad
Krista says (3:05 AM):
aww...
Krista says (3:05 AM):
*hug!*
*Travis* says (3:05 AM):
 
Krista says (3:05 AM):
hehe
*Travis* says (3:05 AM):
i wish it was as simple as "my choice"
Krista says (3:05 AM):
yeah...
Krista says (3:06 AM):
but, but, don't blame it on me
*Travis* says (3:06 AM):
i feel now
*Travis* says (3:06 AM):
it's not your fault i know
*Travis* says (3:06 AM):
something's wrong with me
Krista says (3:06 AM):
a Lot is wrong with me.
*Travis* says (3:06 AM):
no
*Travis* says (3:06 AM):
definitely not
Krista says (3:06 AM):
uhhhhhh
Krista says (3:06 AM):
yeah.
Krista says (3:06 AM):
heh
Krista says (3:06 AM):
a lot
*Travis* says (3:06 AM):
definitely not
Krista says (3:06 AM):
buuuuut i dont' focus on it
*Travis* says (3:07 AM):
there's nothing to focus on
Krista says (3:07 AM):
catch the eye roll?
*Travis* says (3:07 AM):
lol on nothing BAD to focus on
*Travis* says (3:07 AM):
you're fricking gorgeous
Krista says (3:07 AM):
that's not what i meant necessarily
*Travis* says (3:07 AM):
lil miss faces
*Travis* says (3:08 AM):
what did you mean?
*Travis* says (3:08 AM):
and no I didnt catch the eye roll
*Travis* says (3:08 AM):
just the tongue
*Travis* says (3:08 AM):
lol
*Travis* says (3:08 AM):
so cute
Krista says (3:08 AM):
i meant, there's a lot wrong with me in other ways. such as.... uh, my depression, easy frustration and confusion... i rarely know quite what i want....
Krista says (3:09 AM):
very indecisive
*Travis* says (3:09 AM):
  you know one thing
Krista says (3:09 AM):
no balance in my life
*Travis* says (3:09 AM):
compared to me
*Travis* says (3:09 AM):
that's amazing
Krista says (3:09 AM):
hmm...
Krista says (3:09 AM):
i still don't know much
*Travis* says (3:09 AM):
all I know
*Travis* says (3:09 AM):
is my name
*Travis* says (3:09 AM):
I dont \know much about who I am
Krista says (3:09 AM):
that takes time, hun
Krista says (3:10 AM):
lots of time
*Travis* says (3:10 AM):
i've had 21 years
Krista says (3:10 AM):
most days i don't know who i am either
*Travis* says (3:10 AM):
i dont know how much longer i havve
*Travis* says (3:10 AM):
i could run out any dya
Krista says (3:10 AM):
oh?
*Travis* says (3:11 AM):
i'm not the healthiest guy around
*Travis* says (3:11 AM):
and i'm alone
*Travis* says (3:11 AM):
that hurts a lot
Krista says (3:11 AM):
yes, yes it does...
*Travis* says (3:11 AM):
you're too pretty to know
Krista says (3:11 AM):
i do.. i did... definitely did... still do feel that way sometimes, even when i'm with someone.
Krista says (3:12 AM):
i've known that feeling a lot in my lif
*Travis* says (3:12 AM):
my volume is down right now so if you talked i woudlnt hear much
Krista says (3:12 AM):
i haven't been much...
Krista says (3:12 AM):
my volume's up
Krista says (3:12 AM):
(brb. contacts)
*Travis* says (3:13 AM):
0ocntacts?
*Travis* says (3:13 AM):
how do you get rid of it....
Krista says (3:14 AM):
huh?
Krista says (3:14 AM):
lol
Krista says (3:14 AM):
oh
Krista says (3:14 AM):
the loneliness...
Krista says (3:14 AM):
ummm....
*Travis* says (3:14 AM):
i'd forgotten about it....
Krista says (3:14 AM):
you find someone you can be with who you can be yourself around... who understands...
Krista says (3:14 AM):
i wish i could be ther for you right now....
*Travis* says (3:15 AM):
1 sec
  
  Your Video Call has ended.
  
Krista says (3:15 AM):
mkay...
Krista says (3:15 AM):
*hug*
  
  *Travis* wants to have a Video Call.
Answer (Alt+C) Decline (Alt+D)
  
  You have answered the call.
Hang up (Alt+Q).
  
*Travis* says (3:16 AM):
lol ur too cute
Krista says (3:16 AM):
i do still <3 you
Krista says (3:16 AM):
and i will
*Travis* says (3:17 AM):
there's no reason to
Krista says (3:17 AM):
hun, there is. you need someone to love and care for you right now. and i do.
Krista says (3:17 AM):
i'm here for you.
*Travis* says (3:18 AM):
i dont
*Travis* says (3:18 AM):
i need to not need it
Krista says (3:18 AM):
don't love and care for yourself right now
Krista says (3:18 AM):
or don't need it
Krista says (3:18 AM):
you do need it, tho you don't want to..
*Travis* says (3:18 AM):
no...
Krista says (3:19 AM):
well, whether you need it or not, i'm here for you, and i do love and care for you
Krista says (3:19 AM):
seriously
*Travis* says (3:19 AM):
i know but i dont know y
Krista says (3:20 AM):
because, despite not being able to be any more than friends, i want to be a friend. a good friend. i want to be the bestest friend i can be
*Travis* says (3:21 AM):
you dont need to be
Krista says (3:21 AM):
i want to be tho
Krista says (3:21 AM):
 where would we be if we found eachother first i think of you for some reason when i hear those lyrics
*Travis* says (3:21 AM):
?
Krista says (3:22 AM):
lyrics to a song.. hmm... how's the rest go
Krista says (3:22 AM):
*shrug* i hear it on serius radio
Krista says (3:22 AM):
when i'm at fancy pants
Krista says (3:23 AM):
i hope i'm not making it worse.....
*Travis* says (3:23 AM):
you're not
*Travis* says (3:23 AM):
i doubt it can be
*Travis* says (3:23 AM):
i just ignore the hurt, it doesnt go away, i just make myself busy
*Travis* says (3:24 AM):
i got 4 projects now
*Travis* says (3:24 AM):
i dont have time to hurt
Krista says (3:24 AM):
except right now.... heh..
Krista says (3:24 AM):
i'm worried about you, hun..
*Travis* says (3:24 AM):
i'm just drunk
Krista says (3:24 AM):
i'm still worried...
*Travis* says (3:24 AM):
there's no need
*Travis* says (3:25 AM):
i could force it away
*Travis* says (3:25 AM):
it's just harder
Krista says (3:25 AM):
and that's not healthy
Krista says (3:25 AM):
that's why i'm worried. because you do stuff it away and hide it and... it'll always come back with a screaming vengence eventually
*Travis* says (3:26 AM):
no
Krista says (3:26 AM):
not even like right now?
*Travis* says (3:26 AM):
?
Krista says (3:26 AM):
nm
Krista says (3:26 AM):
it's hit you. at least some of it...
*Travis* says (3:27 AM):
iunno
*Travis* says (3:27 AM):
what is "it" though
*Travis* says (3:27 AM):
neither of us know
Krista says (3:28 AM):
hmm?
*Travis* says (3:28 AM):
nvm
*Travis* says (3:28 AM):
i'm just drunk
Krista says (3:28 AM):
it is you, me, us, her, them, the world....
Krista says (3:28 AM):
all of it
Krista says (3:28 AM):
is it
*Travis* says (3:29 AM):
its nothing
*Travis* says (3:29 AM):
it's just the drinks
Krista says (3:30 AM):
heh, well i'm not going to lecture you on how to deal with your emotions or what you need to do about it all, tho i would prefer you to not stuff them away and think so little of yourself....
*Travis* says (3:30 AM):
you'd think different if you've known me as long as i have
Krista says (3:31 AM):
you'd think different of me if you knew me as long as i have...
*Travis* says (3:31 AM):
doubt it
*Travis* says (3:31 AM):
you've been hurt... not bad
Krista says (3:32 AM):
i've been hurt a lot...... worse than anyone knows. i've made stupid choices... i've...... there's a lot there no one knows about but me, in my mind....
*Travis* says (3:33 AM):
you look sad
*Travis* says (3:33 AM):
i'm sorry... i didnt notice before
Krista says (3:33 AM):
it's ok
*Travis* says (3:33 AM):
no
*Travis* says (3:33 AM):
i should have notice
*Travis* says (3:33 AM):
+d
Krista says (3:34 AM):
it's alright. jsut the "not bad" thing bugged me...
*Travis* says (3:34 AM):
?
*Travis* says (3:34 AM):
you can tell me
*Travis* says (3:34 AM):
if ne1
*Travis* says (3:34 AM):
you need to open up
Krista says (3:34 AM):
*Travis* says (3:31 AM):
you've been hurt... not bad

Krista says (3:35 AM):
yeah... well.....
*Travis* says (3:35 AM):
i know
*Travis* says (3:35 AM):
i meant... tell me
Krista says (3:35 AM):
there's a lot to say. too much...
*Travis* says (3:36 AM):
so?
*Travis* says (3:36 AM):
i'm not sleeping tonight
Krista says (3:36 AM):
i need to... at some point...
*Travis* says (3:36 AM):
well
*Travis* says (3:36 AM):
tell what you can
Krista says (3:37 AM):
cody messed me up. bad. it tore me apart.... being with him, breaking up with him.....
Krista says (3:37 AM):
hearing from him afterwards....
Krista says (3:37 AM):
i.... frick..
*Travis* says (3:37 AM):
tell me
Krista says (3:38 AM):
i know i've called it abuse before, and it was.... but, i've never really thought about how abusive it was or even how it was abusive since then.... i've been blocking it out for a long time now...
*Travis* says (3:38 AM):
that doesnt make YOU bad
*Travis* says (3:38 AM):
that makes HIM b ad
Krista says (3:39 AM):
no, but..... i feel like a fucking piece of shit for what i let him be to me, what i let him do to me.......
*Travis* says (3:39 AM):
but YOu are an amazing person
Krista says (3:40 AM):
i let him take control over my life... over who i was, my emotions, my time, my money, my spirituality, my sexuality
Krista says (3:40 AM):
he had it all...
Krista says (3:40 AM):
i didn't wanna go to his place because i knew i'd have to have sex with him....
Krista says (3:41 AM):
he asked if i'd enjoyed it, cause it didn't seem like i had. i lied to him.
Krista says (3:41 AM):
i've done that since.
Krista says (3:41 AM):
and it makes me feel like shit because of it.
Krista says (3:41 AM):
i'm sorry for telling you all this
*Travis* says (3:41 AM):
i want to know
Krista says (3:42 AM):
heh..
*Travis* says (3:42 AM):
because i know it doesnt make you bad
*Travis* says (3:42 AM):
YOU did nothing wrong
*Travis* says (3:42 AM):
HE took that from you
Krista says (3:42 AM):
and i let him
*Travis* says (3:42 AM):
no
Krista says (3:42 AM):
and i haven't learned from that
*Travis* says (3:42 AM):
he forced you
*Travis* says (3:43 AM):
it's not as simple as that
*Travis* says (3:43 AM):
some people know the right buttons
*Travis* says (3:43 AM):
we're h uman... we have choice
*Travis* says (3:43 AM):
but w're like machines... we have buttons to push... levers to pull
*Travis* says (3:43 AM):
the people that know how have full control
Krista says (3:43 AM):
he knew all the buttons....
Krista says (3:43 AM):
all the levers to get his way
*Travis* says (3:44 AM):
it's his fault
*Travis* says (3:44 AM):
not yours
Krista says (3:44 AM):
until i met cassie
*Travis* says (3:44 AM):
and yougot away
Krista says (3:44 AM):
haven't escaped myself tho
*Travis* says (3:44 AM):
friends,family, whatver it took
*Travis* says (3:44 AM):
you got away
Krista says (3:44 AM):
it took so long......
*Travis* says (3:44 AM):
the rest takes time
Krista says (3:44 AM):
it took so long to get away....
*Travis* says (3:44 AM):
but you did
*Travis* says (3:45 AM):
 
Krista says (3:45 AM):
and i haven't been able to hold a single damn fuckign relationship since then
*Travis* says (3:45 AM):
until you dont need them, you cant
Krista says (3:45 AM):
but.... i...
*Travis* says (3:45 AM):
?
Krista says (3:45 AM):
frick..
*Travis* says (3:46 AM):
?
Krista says (3:46 AM):
i don't need someone. but i feel like i do
*Travis* says (3:46 AM):
i kno
Krista says (3:47 AM):
and they say you can't love someone till you love yourself, but.... i do love. there's so much love. too much love. and that's why the damn stupid men like cody get into my life. they see it, they take advantage of it.... but... then there's the problem of seeing them all the same way..... and i know all men aren't that way, but.... i start to feel used... then i can't find pleasure, then, i just
Krista says (3:47 AM):
continue letting them till it's over... less and less, but still
Krista says (3:48 AM):
then i lie, say that it was good. or decent.
*Travis* says (3:48 AM):
you can "love"
*Travis* says (3:48 AM):
you need to
*Travis* says (3:48 AM):
theres' too much there to hold back
Krista says (3:48 AM):
although they know it wasn't
Krista says (3:48 AM):
but... i don't love myself some of the time. thank goodness it's not most of the time anymore
*Travis* says (3:48 AM):
but until you're okay with yourself... until you acknowledge yourwon self-worth and truly value yoruself
*Travis* says (3:48 AM):
it cant last
Krista says (3:49 AM):
i have to believe it can, though
*Travis* says (3:49 AM):
even me...
*Travis* says (3:49 AM):
it would end the same
Krista says (3:49 AM):
because... otherwise... i'm bound to let it fail
Krista says (3:49 AM):
i don't want that.....
*Travis* says (3:50 AM):
you need to realize who YOU are
*Travis* says (3:50 AM):
not who they can turn you into
Krista says (3:50 AM):
i.. know that...
Krista says (3:51 AM):
but...
*Travis* says (3:51 AM):
knowing it and doing it
*Travis* says (3:51 AM):
are completely different
Krista says (3:51 AM):
*deep breath* know knows how to find maself...
Krista says (3:51 AM):
that's true
Krista says (3:51 AM):
who knows*
Krista says (3:51 AM):
who ever knows how to find onesself
Krista says (3:52 AM):
*hug*
*Travis* says (3:53 AM):
you're in there
*Travis* says (3:53 AM):
if you look
*Travis* says (3:53 AM):
but you have to ignore the inconsistencies
Krista says (3:53 AM):
don't know how..
*Travis* says (3:54 AM):
i'm learning
*Travis* says (3:55 AM):
a friend of mine gave me good... but weird advice
*Travis* says (3:55 AM):
oddly... advice I already knew but hadn't accepted
Krista says (3:55 AM):
what's that?
*Travis* says (3:56 AM):
iunno if it's important, but it's a "she" I know... Reis is what she goes by
*Travis* says (3:56 AM):
she just started taking estrogen
Krista says (3:57 AM):
mhmm.
*Travis* says (3:57 AM):
iunno how to describe what she said
*Travis* says (3:57 AM):
a while ago... bout a year... i made a "story"
*Travis* says (3:57 AM):
just a skeleton of a story reallly
*Travis* says (3:58 AM):
bout a person named "Crias".. his name meant "Chaos" which represented the two feuding 'voices' inside of him
*Travis* says (3:59 AM):
"Truth" and "Power"... "Dradh" and "Bezor"... essentially... "Whatever's right, at all costs" vs "I'm always right at all costs"
*Travis* says (3:59 AM):
which obviously leads to fairly... heavy... disagreements between them
*Travis* says (4:00 AM):
and a "dream" that one day the "voices" could be united into "Unity" or the final form of sorts... "Oruda"
*Travis* says (4:00 AM):
no more disagreement, no more fighting, just peace
*Travis* says (4:00 AM):
what she made me realize is that that's not so far from the truth
*Travis* says (4:01 AM):
I AM "Crias"... there ARE conflicting voices inside of me... differing goals inside my subconscious... I'm trying to force this "Crias" to logic out the voices and determine logicaly what the illogical subconscious wants... it doesnt work that way... not strictly
*Travis* says (4:01 AM):
and hoping i can find and maintain that unity... finding it is possible
*Travis* says (4:02 AM):
maintaining it... not so much
*Travis* says (4:02 AM):
situations in the world will always create confliting goals.. it's my job to resolve themm... and restore peace
Krista says (4:02 AM):
well, possible, just tough.... very tough..
*Travis* says (4:02 AM):
very tough
Krista says (4:02 AM):
my mind works a bit differently than that...
*Travis* says (4:02 AM):
I spent a day arguing with myself over what she said
*Travis* says (4:03 AM):
"more than one person inside of me? wtf?"
*Travis* says (4:03 AM):
we force our minds to work how we expect they shoud work
*Travis* says (4:03 AM):
it's all you though
*Travis* says (4:03 AM):
it's just... conflict
Krista says (4:04 AM):
hmmm... my mind... does a dance.... not arguing usually... not conflict...
Krista says (4:04 AM):
not necessarily
Krista says (4:04 AM):
sometimes, yes
Krista says (4:04 AM):
nm
Krista says (4:04 AM):
a lot of the time
Krista says (4:04 AM):
gah!
*Travis* says (4:04 AM):
each holds onto and remembers different experiences... each is affected different ways... eahc resolves disagreement differently
Krista says (4:04 AM):
lol
*Travis* says (4:04 AM):
but the base concept
*Travis* says (4:04 AM):
the competition for control has to end
*Travis* says (4:05 AM):
I cant end mine because I dont know who wants control and to what end... dradh or bezor
*Travis* says (4:05 AM):
so crias feels he has to fight them both down until they submit and reveal themselves... which is not healthy
Krista says (4:05 AM):
which do you feel the world thinks is better?
*Travis* says (4:06 AM):
depends
*Travis* says (4:06 AM):
who is "the world"?
Krista says (4:07 AM):
well then, "the other" perhaps i should word it
Krista says (4:07 AM):
those other than... you.. i guess
*Travis* says (4:07 AM):
women seem to like guys who say "fuck the consequences" and look out for themselves... business seems to favor the man who, at all costs, pursues what is best for himself...
Krista says (4:07 AM):
the acceptible one
*Travis* says (4:07 AM):
the world favors Bezor
*Travis* says (4:07 AM):
I favor Dradh
Krista says (4:07 AM):
huh..... that's the business world.....
Krista says (4:08 AM):
the emotional, artistic world would favour the Dradh one methinks..
*Travis* says (4:08 AM):
I'm not so sure
Krista says (4:08 AM):
sometimes
*Travis* says (4:08 AM):
if they could find one who could create "art", yet pursue it as fervently as "Bezor", they would favor him
*Travis* says (4:09 AM):
the problem is that "power" and "I'm always right" doesnt make for the best art...
Krista says (4:09 AM):
exactly
Krista says (4:09 AM):
so tend to favour the Dradh type
Krista says (4:09 AM):
if you favour Dradh, then why not follow that side?
*Travis* says (4:09 AM):
because
*Travis* says (4:09 AM):
they're both me
*Travis* says (4:10 AM):
as much as I hate to accept it
*Travis* says (4:10 AM):
unity... oruda... has always been the peaceful combination of both... not the casting out of one
Krista says (4:10 AM):
ah...
Krista says (4:10 AM):
damn...
Krista says (4:10 AM):
i think.... i lean towards one side in being the person that i am...
*Travis* says (4:11 AM):
what I've yet to accept is that "unity" cannot be perpetual
Krista says (4:11 AM):
always have though... i think
*Travis* says (4:11 AM):
both have to exist
*Travis* says (4:11 AM):
they're both me
*Travis* says (4:11 AM):
I have to learn to listen to each instead of throwin one away
Krista says (4:11 AM):
and you know it, but knowing is different than accepting and following through
*Travis* says (4:11 AM):
exactly
*Travis* says (4:11 AM):
I am selfish, and I am selfless
*Travis* says (4:11 AM):
I am both
Krista says (4:12 AM):
like how i know i'm beautiful, but i feel ugly
*Travis* says (4:12 AM):
I have to balance my needs with those of the world
Krista says (4:12 AM):
i know it's not my fault, yet i feel like it was
*Travis* says (4:12 AM):
I can't just put them above me, and I cant put me above them
*Travis* says (4:12 AM):
neither is sane... or sustainable
Krista says (4:12 AM):
true...
*Travis* says (4:12 AM):
the duality of existance is interesting
*Travis* says (4:12 AM):
and something I wouldnt mind pursueing
*Travis* says (4:13 AM):
if I wasnt busy resolving it
Krista says (4:13 AM):
lol
Krista says (4:13 AM):
yeah..
*Travis* says (4:13 AM):
that's why i have such a hard time with you, you know
Krista says (4:14 AM):
there are some very interesting subtle dualities in my mind... subtle, but huge
Krista says (4:14 AM):
hmm??
*Travis* says (4:14 AM):
to part of me
*Travis* says (4:14 AM):
you're the perfect friend... perfect to talk to, perfect to help me...
*Travis* says (4:14 AM):
to part of me you seem the perfect gf
*Travis* says (4:15 AM):
oddly... as easy as it SHOULD sound
*Travis* says (4:15 AM):
I can't resolve the two
*Travis* says (4:15 AM):
and I dont know which part of me... Bezor or Dradh. says each...
*Travis* says (4:15 AM):
though I suspect the selfish part of me wants you, not the sefless part
*Travis* says (4:16 AM):
which is why i've been distancing myself...
Krista says (4:16 AM):
they both say both... or parts of...
*Travis* says (4:16 AM):
I've only realized recently
Krista says (4:16 AM):
hmm....
*Travis* says (4:17 AM):
I suspect, strongly, the selfless part of me is scared my old feelings would come back to haunt a relationship tht has far too much ptential to risk... and the selfish part of me says fuck it, try anyways
Krista says (4:18 AM):
see, i see it a little bit differently... to be with someone, you must be a great friend, compassionate, caring, etc, and romantically compatible, or however you wanna say it. to make it last, you must have both and be both for that person... there is no real division... although, sometimes it leans either way, and doesn't work well enough
*Travis* says (4:19 AM):
i agree you should have both...
Krista says (4:19 AM):
not just should have, need.
Krista says (4:19 AM):
for it to last till old age
*Travis* says (4:19 AM):
my fear is that BOTH sides of mee see too much of one
*Travis* says (4:19 AM):
both see too much want...
Krista says (4:20 AM):
and then back off out of fear...?
Krista says (4:20 AM):
or doubt?
*Travis* says (4:20 AM):
specifically
*Travis* says (4:20 AM):
I know we have a stong friendship
*Travis* says (4:21 AM):
but both sides of me seem to see a physical desire that outweighs the romantic/emotional bond by too much
*Travis* says (4:21 AM):
the selfish side says "perfect that means go for it!"
*Travis* says (4:21 AM):
the selfless says "Whoah, holdup, that means you CANT go there"
*Travis* says (4:21 AM):
and as always....
*Travis* says (4:21 AM):
I trust the selfless more
*Travis* says (4:22 AM):
he at least bases his decisions on others as well, not just himself
*Travis* says (4:22 AM):
i'd rather live and die miserable than make those around me miserable
*Travis* says (4:22 AM):
may death strike me now if it makes those around me happier
*Travis* says (4:23 AM):
or at least, that's the idea i've always forced onto myself
Krista says (4:23 AM):
and that is not a ballanced way
*Travis* says (4:23 AM):
exactly
*Travis* says (4:23 AM):
they're both me
*Travis* says (4:23 AM):
how can one reach Unity if they ignore one and favor the other
Krista says (4:24 AM):
exactly
*Travis* says (4:24 AM):
how can you ever hope to agree with yourself if you try to believe you're ugly, or tha you're beautiful
*Travis* says (4:24 AM):
you HAVE to accept BOTH for what they are, even though they dont SEEM to resolve
*Travis* says (4:24 AM):
they still do
*Travis* says (4:24 AM):
they have different contexts
*Travis* says (4:25 AM):
I might have the same birthdate, hour, and minute as someone else... and that might, to anyone ignoring the context, imply we're one and the same and should be combined to "one person"
*Travis* says (4:26 AM):
but once context is applied, we're two very different people, neither of which is of more value than the other REGARDLESS of how well we've lived or lives, or how "good" (subjective) we are as people
*Travis* says (4:26 AM):
we're equal, but different
*Travis* says (4:27 AM):
I guess what it all comes down to... for me... I need to start listening to "Bezor" more...
*Travis* says (4:27 AM):
I ignore him, I ignore my "selfish " tendencies because they're "wrong" and I should live to make others happy
*Travis* says (4:27 AM):
but that's wrong... I need balance
*Travis* says (4:28 AM):
I suspect similar is true for you, lately
Krista says (4:28 AM):
possibly.... or the other way around, as my parents would think
Krista says (4:28 AM):
or claim
*Travis* says (4:29 AM):
I'll admit, I don't know y ou that great
*Travis* says (4:29 AM):
but from what I've seen you're terrified of being selfish
Krista says (4:29 AM):
in respects to work, i need to be more bezor. in respects to home, i need to be more of the other one
Krista says (4:29 AM):
heh... yeah...
Krista says (4:29 AM):
basically
Krista says (4:29 AM):
and in the ways i can and have been.... it's the wrong ways
*Travis* says (4:29 AM):
you're terrified of the possibility that maybe you might justdo something that hurts someone else and benefits only you
Krista says (4:29 AM):
not healthy ways for even me
*Travis* says (4:30 AM):
I remember fairly clearly some ofthe things you said to me when we visited... you were more concerned for not hurting me than not hurting you... that was very very clear
Krista says (4:31 AM):
yeah....
Krista says (4:31 AM):
i tend to be that way
*Travis* says (4:31 AM):
why
Krista says (4:31 AM):
unless a relationship is unhealthy with someone, then i will end it if i need to despite the hurt.
Krista says (4:31 AM):
i don't know why.
*Travis* says (4:32 AM):
but if i remained "unabusive", regardless of how you felt we shouldnt be together, what then?
Krista says (4:32 AM):
*confused by wording*
*Travis* says (4:32 AM):
I suspect that as long as you felt I needed you... you would stay
*Travis* says (4:33 AM):
even if you felt we were wrong for each other
Krista says (4:33 AM):
no. not necessarily. it'd take me a while, but i would end it eventually, if i knew it wasn't right.
*Travis* says (4:34 AM):
eventually
*Travis* says (4:34 AM):
brb
Krista says (4:34 AM):
it took me a while with chris.
Krista says (4:34 AM):
it takes me a while to be sure that what i'm deciding is right or not
*Travis* says (4:36 AM):
because you're conflicted
*Travis* says (4:36 AM):
do you make the decision that's right for the self, or the other?
Krista says (4:37 AM):
for myself. or i'd still be with some of the assholes i've dated
*Travis* says (4:37 AM):
exactly
*Travis* says (4:37 AM):
but that decision takes a while sometimes
Krista says (4:37 AM):
yeah.
Krista says (4:38 AM):
now, if it's for others, it's muuuuuch easier
Krista says (4:38 AM):
lol
*Travis* says (4:38 AM):
exactly
*Travis* says (4:38 AM):
we're similar
*Travis* says (4:38 AM):
we're "helpers"
*Travis* says (4:38 AM):
others before self... "Dradh" before "Bezor" unless it's absolutely necessary, and we have to be SURE it's necessary
Krista says (4:38 AM):
helpers tend to attract abusers
Krista says (4:38 AM):
grr
Krista says (4:39 AM):
but, i'm getting better at knowing that that's what they are
*Travis* says (4:39 AM):
we dont attract abusers
Krista says (4:39 AM):
i did.
*Travis* says (4:39 AM):
the problem is the abusers themselves
*Travis* says (4:39 AM):
helpers, those who respect the person move slowly
*Travis* says (4:39 AM):
try to be sure they are in the right situation first
*Travis* says (4:40 AM):
abusers move fast
*Travis* says (4:40 AM):
person to person, if any one person doesnt work they move on
Krista says (4:40 AM):
except i move fast.......
*Travis* says (4:40 AM):
they find us
*Travis* says (4:40 AM):
we dont' attract them
Krista says (4:40 AM):
and the abusers i've known have worked slow and carefully
*Travis* says (4:40 AM):
they hit 20 other users first and then finally happen upon us
Krista says (4:40 AM):
hmmm...
*Travis* says (4:40 AM):
oh they "work" carefully
*Travis* says (4:40 AM):
they just MOVe quickly
*Travis* says (4:41 AM):
they can recognize a hopeless cause and give up fast enough to find a good chance (which tends to be us) quickly
Krista says (4:41 AM):
or they turn into abusers in the time you've been with them somehow. heh *cough*possiblycody*cough*
Krista says (4:41 AM):
yeah
*Travis* says (4:42 AM):
in the end tho
*Travis* says (4:42 AM):
they burn or learn
Krista says (4:42 AM):
yeah..
Krista says (4:42 AM):
heh..
*Travis* says (4:42 AM):
not much consolation
Krista says (4:42 AM):
i know
Krista says (4:42 AM):
buuut, i can recognize them better now and know the signs
*Travis* says (4:43 AM):
tough, but entirely possible
*Travis* says (4:43 AM):
i'm just scared underneath I am
Krista says (4:43 AM):
hmm?
*Travis* says (4:44 AM):
even you are worried i think
*Travis* says (4:44 AM):
what if I am one of those underneath the stubbornness
Krista says (4:44 AM):
hmmm..... i'd know.. or i'd find out.
*Travis* says (4:44 AM):
or you'd find out
*Travis* says (4:45 AM):
but you see it and so do I
Krista says (4:45 AM):
if i get the chance.
*Travis* says (4:45 AM):
it's not impossible
Krista says (4:45 AM):
i do see the possibility
Krista says (4:45 AM):
nothing's impossible
Krista says (4:45 AM):
not entirely impossible
*Travis* says (4:45 AM):
no, but this isnt a case of "not entirely impossible"
*Travis* says (4:45 AM):
you and I both see the distinct possibility
Krista says (4:45 AM):
i see a slight possibility
*Travis* says (4:46 AM):
maybe I see it stonger cause I see my past
*Travis* says (4:46 AM):
my past...
Krista says (4:46 AM):
yeah, i know
Krista says (4:46 AM):
..
Krista says (4:46 AM):
i know..
Krista says (4:46 AM):
heh..
*Travis* says (4:46 AM):
is that... hidden behind the appearance of "seflessness"
*Travis* says (4:46 AM):
essentially, Bezor tricking Dradh into agreement
Krista says (4:47 AM):
or is it just a balance you have to figure out?
*Travis* says (4:47 AM):
both
*Travis* says (4:47 AM):
they're vying for control
*Travis* says (4:47 AM):
I'm trying to strike balance
Krista says (4:47 AM):
*sigh*
Krista says (4:48 AM):
you've still yet to accept things. accept the need for balance and the fact that they will conflict despite your attempts at balance
*Travis* says (4:48 AM):
i doubt i'm the only one
Krista says (4:49 AM):
hah, no, you're not
Krista says (4:49 AM):
i'm far from accepting and figuring out balance
Krista says (4:49 AM):
very far from
*Travis* says (4:50 AM):
i'm nowhere near ready to accept it
*Travis* says (4:50 AM):
i'm still fighting to win
*Travis* says (4:50 AM):
I still want Crias to control Bezor and Dradh instead of allowing a balance
Krista says (4:50 AM):
yeah....
*Travis* says (4:51 AM):
again
*Travis* says (4:51 AM):
not the only one I think
*Travis* says (4:52 AM):
you want to be able to control how you feel instead of allowing a balance of how you feel
Krista says (4:52 AM):
heh...... yeaup
*Travis* says (4:52 AM):
because it's always easier when you're in charge
Krista says (4:52 AM):
it is
Krista says (4:52 AM):
a lot easier
Krista says (4:52 AM):
i dunno how to let go of that
Krista says (4:52 AM):
lol
*Travis* says (4:53 AM):
neither do I
*Travis* says (4:53 AM):
even when I know I have to
Krista says (4:53 AM):
ugh....
Krista says (4:53 AM):
complicatedness
*Travis* says (4:53 AM):
mmhm
Krista says (4:53 AM):
buuuuuut i think sleep is in order as i keep yawwwwwning so much...
*Travis* says (4:54 AM):
know what I found really scary?
Krista says (4:54 AM):
hmm?
*Travis* says (4:54 AM):
I've been using those names all night
*Travis* says (4:54 AM):
because of this reason...
*Travis* says (4:54 AM):
because I made that name a year ago
*Travis* says (4:54 AM):
and she described, PERFECTLY, with absolutely NO conflict... what each of their purposes was
*Travis* says (4:54 AM):
not exlicitly
*Travis* says (4:55 AM):
she didnt know the meaning of each, but she'd even picked up on 3/4 names
Krista says (4:55 AM):
wow.....
Krista says (4:55 AM):
makes sense tho
*Travis* says (4:55 AM):
she thought the fourth was "Travis"
*Travis* says (4:55 AM):
she missed Dradh
Krista says (4:55 AM):
lol
Krista says (4:55 AM):
aww
*Travis* says (4:55 AM):
she knew the entire "story" perfectly because that's how she explains the "conflict" on her own life
*Travis* says (4:56 AM):
she has 4 aspects
*Travis* says (4:56 AM):
only 2 are common right now
Krista says (4:56 AM):
hmm... interesting...
*Travis* says (4:56 AM):
and of course, the one "mediator" (my "Crias")
*Travis* says (4:56 AM):
she also uses the same theory to explain other people
Krista says (4:57 AM):
hmm... very very interesting.... of course, in different ways...
*Travis* says (4:57 AM):
she's been applying it to me for a long time
Krista says (4:57 AM):
for each person
*Travis* says (4:57 AM):
though she hasn't differentiated the different aspects
*Travis* says (4:57 AM):
but its scary how well her "weird theory" applied to me without any modification
Krista says (4:58 AM):
hmm... 
Krista says (4:58 AM):
wow..
Krista says (4:58 AM):
but, yeah. fallin asleep sittin here
*Travis* says (4:59 AM):
lol
*Travis* says (4:59 AM):
i know i'm weird and boring
Krista says (4:59 AM):
nope
*Travis* says (4:59 AM):
heh
Krista says (4:59 AM):
not those things at all
*Travis* says (4:59 AM):
but i did upset you 
*Travis* says (4:59 AM):
more than once tonight
*Travis* says (4:59 AM):
i noticed... i tried not to
Krista says (4:59 AM):
no
Krista says (4:59 AM):
not upset me... just memories.... things i need to get out and deal with...
Krista says (5:00 AM):
so it's all good
*Travis* says (5:00 AM):
well
*Travis* says (5:00 AM):
talk to me more
*Travis* says (5:00 AM):
one day, tell me all about it
Krista says (5:00 AM):
i will...
*Travis* says (5:00 AM):
promise?
Krista says (5:01 AM):
promise.
*Travis* says (5:01 AM):
 
*Travis* says (5:01 AM):
wanna know somethin?
Krista says (5:01 AM):
 
Krista says (5:01 AM):
what's that?
*Travis* says (5:01 AM):
 
*Travis* says (5:01 AM):
{weee}
*Travis* says (5:01 AM):
damn
Krista says (5:01 AM):
lol
*Travis* says (5:01 AM):
 
*Travis* says (5:01 AM):
no w
*Travis* says (5:01 AM):
damn it so close
*Travis* says (5:01 AM):
neways... you helped me figure out a lot tonight
*Travis* says (5:02 AM):
believe it or not
Krista says (5:02 AM):
and you, me. i think.. lol
*Travis* says (5:02 AM):
oh? examples?
Krista says (5:02 AM):
hahaha, well, that i do need to figure stuff out that deals with cody and stuff like that...
*Travis* says (5:03 AM):
i want to punch him
*Travis* says (5:03 AM):
he hurt you
Krista says (5:03 AM):
and you don't even know it all yet.. no one ever will, but yeah
*Travis* says (5:03 AM):
taaaaaaaaaalk
Krista says (5:03 AM):
caaaaant
*Travis* says (5:03 AM):
y?
Krista says (5:03 AM):
muuuuust sll ep
Krista says (5:03 AM):
lol
*Travis* says (5:03 AM):
i was wayaaaayy sobbier than u
*Travis* says (5:04 AM):
so talk
Krista says (5:04 AM):
yeah, i know
Krista says (5:04 AM):
but i gotta sleep
Krista says (5:04 AM):
seriously
*Travis* says (5:04 AM):
talk first
Krista says (5:04 AM):
haven't been getting enough
Krista says (5:04 AM):
and i'm gettin sick
*Travis* says (5:04 AM):
me neither now talk
Krista says (5:04 AM):
pshh!
Krista says (5:04 AM):
arg
Krista says (5:05 AM):
this one time, i.... turned him on too much... bit him too hard or something, and he just went sorta animal on me, bit my upper arm...... huge bruise...... had to go on the band trip with a huge ugly black and blue and purple bruise on my arm.......
Krista says (5:05 AM):
hard to explain that one...
Krista says (5:05 AM):
and hard to hide
*Travis* says (5:05 AM):
no kidding
*Travis* says (5:05 AM):
i meant talk with ur vioce tho  
Krista says (5:05 AM):
he'd mark me, when i asked him not to
*Travis* says (5:06 AM):
   
Krista says (5:06 AM):
don't feel like it
*Travis* says (5:06 AM):
also - please
Krista says (5:06 AM):
plus, my parents'll here
*Travis* says (5:06 AM):
i wanna yhear ur voice
Krista says (5:06 AM):
hear*
*Travis* says (5:06 AM):
i miss it
Krista says (5:06 AM):
hear me?
*Travis* says (5:06 AM):
barely
Krista says (5:06 AM):
cant talk much louder than that
*Travis* says (5:06 AM):
so?
*Travis* says (5:06 AM):
and what?
*Travis* says (5:06 AM):
mumble mumble?
*Travis* says (5:07 AM):
liar  
Krista says (5:07 AM):
arrrrg
*Travis* says (5:07 AM):
yu can
*Travis* says (5:07 AM):
u just wont
*Travis* says (5:07 AM):
cause of parents
*Travis* says (5:07 AM):
 
*Travis* says (5:07 AM):
  I can barely make out nething ur saying
*Travis* says (5:07 AM):
  i bet ur talking smack
Krista says (5:07 AM):
i'm just rambling
Krista says (5:08 AM):
no
Krista says (5:08 AM):
well, about my dad, maybe
*Travis* says (5:08 AM):
no, bout me
*Travis* says (5:08 AM):
yup, cause i'm smack
Krista says (5:08 AM):
nuh uhhh
Krista says (5:08 AM):
 
*Travis* says (5:09 AM):
mew
*Travis* says (5:09 AM):
dont turn me on too much
*Travis* says (5:09 AM):
  then i suggest u dont try
*Travis* says (5:09 AM):
i'mw arning you
*Travis* says (5:09 AM):
lol
*Travis* says (5:10 AM):
part of me does
*Travis* says (5:10 AM):
not sure which  
*Travis* says (5:10 AM):
didnt hear it
*Travis* says (5:10 AM):
what'd u say?
Krista says (5:10 AM):
it's partly both and that's more confusing cause it is partly both
*Travis* says (5:10 AM):
probably
*Travis* says (5:10 AM):
but i'm still figuring out how THAT part of the theory works in
Krista says (5:11 AM):
lol yeah....
*Travis* says (5:11 AM):
so stop confusing it
*Travis* says (5:11 AM):
or start, either way
*Travis* says (5:11 AM):
give up on what?
*Travis* says (5:11 AM):
psh, I dont know how to give up on stuff
*Travis* says (5:11 AM):
it's a strength and a weakness
*Travis* says (5:12 AM):
stop that  
*Travis* says (5:12 AM):
you know i like it
*Travis* says (5:12 AM):
you dont HAVE to
*Travis* says (5:12 AM):
lol
*Travis* says (5:12 AM):
SAVE THE MONSTERS SAVE TH MONSTERS!
*Travis* says (5:13 AM):
TV  
*Travis* says (5:13 AM):
Monster Warriors on YTV
*Travis* says (5:13 AM):
it's uberlame
*Travis* says (5:13 AM):
worse than the newer power rangers
*Travis* says (5:13 AM):
i know  
*Travis* says (5:13 AM):
I said nwere, not new
*Travis* says (5:13 AM):
i havent seen power rangers for years
*Travis* says (5:13 AM):
cause it keeps getting worse
*Travis* says (5:14 AM):
 
*Travis* says (5:14 AM):
can i come with?
*Travis* says (5:14 AM):
I might be too tempted
*Travis* says (5:14 AM):
guess where i'm going next weekend?
Krista says (5:14 AM):
where?
*Travis* says (5:14 AM):
not this weekend but next weekend
*Travis* says (5:14 AM):
  good guess
*Travis* says (5:14 AM):
meet me there?
*Travis* says (5:14 AM):
psh blow them off
*Travis* says (5:15 AM):
  they cant stop loving u
*Travis* says (5:15 AM):
ur too awesome
*Travis* says (5:15 AM):
lol ur so cute
*Travis* says (5:15 AM):
GIVE H ER A RAISE
*Travis* says (5:16 AM):
THEN SHE CAN VISIT ME
*Travis* says (5:16 AM):
 
*Travis* says (5:16 AM):
y?
*Travis* says (5:16 AM):
  I go to regina aaaaalll on my own
*Travis* says (5:16 AM):
what?
Krista says (5:16 AM):
froooooozen?
Krista says (5:16 AM):
crrraaaashing?
  
  Your Video Call has ended.
  
Krista says (5:17 AM):
hummmm
Krista says (5:17 AM):
wasnt' me